God, I hated life. Every day since Daniel had left had been hell to the nth degree. I became reckless, not caring who picked me up anymore, not caring if I got hurt, not even going to the pub to sing. With Daniel gone, nothing mattered.

A week later I was picked up by a boy, couldn't have been out of high school yet, but he had hair almost the same color as Daniel's. His eyes were gray, and he was too short, but at least I could pretend a little. We were down in my spot, and I threw him against the wall. I kissed him with no regard for pleasure or skill, just the need to take out my hurt on someone.

He kissed me back sloppily, furiously, each of us groping the other rougly. His hands in my hair hurt, but I reveled in the pain because it meant I could still feel something. I sucked hard on his neck, and my eyes flicked up to look briefly down the walkway nearby.

//Oh, shit.//

Daniel was standing there, trying so hard to blend in with the shadows and the shade trees, but I still saw him. I was utterly humiliated that he was there watching this...this carnal spectacle I was partcicpating in.

Even as I pulled the boy's shirt up, I couldn't stop remembering how it was with Daniel.

\We were just lying there in the motel bed, so still and quiet and happy, when he spoke.

"Is this real?"

I guess he had thought that I was asleep, but I answered him anyway. "Of course it is."

He rolled over, a little confused, and admitted that he had been at the Tavern, listening to me sing. It made me a little uncomfortable, even though I knew I shouldn't have been. I couldn't look him in the eye.

"What is it? You have an incredible voice."

"It's not that." I forced myself to meet my eyes. "It's just...Have you ever had a part of your life you just... wanted to keep separate from the rest of it?"

"Something like that."

I could hear the self-deprecation in his tone, the want to admit something, but the need to keep it hidden. //What isn't he telling me?//

"Then you know what I mean."

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?"

//No!// "No." I managed to keep my voice considerably less desperate than I felt.

I snuggled into him again. This night was mine, and I wasn't going to waste it. As long as he would have me, I would stay.

Even though I was humiliated in front of Daniel, I didn't stop what I was doing to the boy. I was beginning to feel that Daniel *should* stay there and watch. I hoped he would watch me and hurt like I had been hurting. I wanted him to feel every moment of pain I had experienced for the past week.

My hands went for the ties on the boy's surf shorts. Just as my fingers slid inside, the boy spoke.

"Go down."

He sounded like he knew what he was on about. His hands in my hair forced me down, but I was flashing back to Daniel.

My mind's eye filled with images of Daniel, his body straining above me the first time I went down on him... his soft, dazed look after he came...the way he watched me in the motel when he thought I was asleep...

//Goddammit!//

I practically ripped the boy's shorts down.

//Why, Daniel? Why are you making me hurt?//

I took his cock in roughly.

//You made me feel so good. I wanted to make you feel good, too.// //Shut up!//

The boy fucked my mouth while I brought him off. I could just barely see Daniel's hiding place past my hair, his body partially obscured by the shadows. Above me, the boy was getting closer, louder. He would've really been hurting me by now if I had been in any condition to notice.

//Hate me, Dan. And I'll love you for the rest of time.//

I could see Daniel move his hand to his crotch, pressing himself into his own touch. It solidified my determination.

//I know you still want me. You want me, and you hate yourself for it. I hate you for it, too.//

He watched me move faster, the boy bucking violently, loud moans echoing in off the concrete around us. I couldn't blame the kid, cos I was being just as rough with him as he was with me. Humiliation, determination, pain, love, hate, it all blended together inside me until I didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling anymore. My instincts kicked in, and I prepared myself to swallow when the boy came.

//No, that was for Daniel!// Some part of my brain was screaming against it, but I knew why.

Daniel was the only guy I had ever swallowed for.

Most of them didn't give a shit one way or the other once I got them off, so I just pulled away. But Dan had been so beautiful, so perfect...he wasn't like the others.

I snapped back to the present and threw myself back as the boy came. He gushed onto the concrete and moaned. Still on my knees, I flicked my eyes up toward Daniel.

He saw me look straight at him. My expression was something of a cross between being ashamed and begging him to take me back, and daring him to come back to me. I just stared at him and remembered our night together...

I was happier than I had been in such a long time. I wanted Dan to feel good, too, so I was slowly kissing and caressing him in all the places I had learned he liked. He was busy trying to convince me that I should quit selling my body and try for a career in music.

"You have an...ah!" -I kissed the sensitive spot on his neck- "... amazing voice - it could make you millions."

"You think so?" I rubbed myself against his leg for both our benefits, hoping he would just shut up and let me continue trying to make him scream.

"Sure...the right producer, a little publicity, you're...ahhhh...born for it."

I smiled a bit and lifted one eyebrow. "You know you almost sound as if you know what you're on about." He looked like he wanted to say something, but he forgot the words when I bit his earlobe. Good.

Later, we were just lounging about and making small talk when he started on about my voice again.

"Why did you pick that song?"

"What?" He sounded almost like he was blaming me for something.

"At the Tavern tonight, I was just wondering, why that particular song?"

"I dunno...it just kinda...spoke to me. I sing what the music says to me. That song said a lot. Most of Savage's stuff says a lot. You know Savage?"

For a second he looked like I'd just scared the hell out of him, but I didn't let him see that I'd noticed. "I've heard some of his stuff. It's not supposed to have lyrics, is it?"

"He'd probably shoot me if he heard my stuff. Fucking with his music...I can't help it. It's not that the music's empty, it just...feels right."

"It sounds good."

I dared a quick glance at him, sort of embarrassed about my songs. "Thanks."

Still, it was Daniel. He seemed to understand.

The boy starting to move again brought me out of my reverie. I stood up, and he muttered "wow" before giving me an artless kiss. I kissed back, my eyes locked with Daniel's again. He had the good sense to look like he was ashamed of himself, and he dropped his hand from his pants.

The boy broke off the kiss and leaned on the wall to get his breath back. He fixed his clothes, pulled out some money, and tossed the bills on the ground.

I closed my eyes to fight back tears as all of my emotions suddenly caught up with me. //Why did the little bastard have to throw it in his cum? Fuck.// I gathered my shredded dignity and stooped to collect the money.

//Why did Dan have to see that? I should've stopped. I shouldn't even have worked tonight.//

The night after I was with Daniel, I had just stayed in my flat, not brave enough to face the world yet. Instead of working, I just lay in my bed and buried my face in the shirt I'd worn the night before. It still smelled like him, the only physical evidence I had left to prove to myself that someone had loved me for one night. If I had died in his arms, I could've died happy. Now all I had to look forward to was the misery of living without him.

But he was back. He wanted something from me; was I strong enough to say no?

Or would it take even more to say yes?