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Yikes. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Yikes would probably be the best descriptor for my initial reaction to Boys Who Who Do Boys Inc., the semi-decent, overly loud, exceedingly camp club Colby had dragged me to. Yes, Colby was responsible. She's the reason I've been back in Brisbane for exactly seven hours and I'm at a place with framed pictures of buff boys touching buff boys on the walls. So much for a quiet family Christmas. Oh, you want to know about Colby. Yes, she's gay - if you can use that term on a woman. She came out around the time "Affirmation" did, although her sexuality had been unspoken knowledge between us since our so-called "marriage". I'm not sure exactly when she became a raging lesbian, but looking at her now in her leathers, eyeing off every chick in the place, I figure it must've happened while I was O.S. Frisco's where I call home now, though I'll always have roots here. Well not here at the overcrowded bar of a newly-renovated gay club in Fortitude Valley - I mean here in Brisbane, where it all started. With Dan. Dan... I'm seeing him tomorrow, and I've been looking forward to it more than anything else about this whole trip. I need to be grounded again - Dan always does that for me. He's like my earthing wire. He'll take me down a peg or two and show me there's more important things in the world than money, fame and fashion. He's the one un-changing thing in my life and I'm thankful for that. I need that. Colby's on the hunt tonight. She's already cornered some young blonde thing dripping with sequins. I don't know why she bothered dragging me along, I'll only slow her down. Sighing, I wander over to the bar, ignoring assessing looks and inviting smiles from guys I pass, trying to tune out the incessant thumping of a Kylie remix. I'm not really in the mood for this tonight. Maybe I'm getting old, but I'd rather just be home in bed with a good book. Daniel wouldn't have dragged me here - why didn't I stay with him instead? I dismiss the thought. No, I could never impose on him like that. Besides, lately things had felt... different... between us. I order a drink from the bleached bouncing bartender, more for something to do than out of thirst. I scan the room. The dancefloor is a sea of glittering bodies, grinding and bouncing, some couples starting to get amorous even this early in the night. There are tables around the floor crammed with couples sitting on each other in every position imaginable. I get to the overcrowded bar and scan faces, noticing how similar everyone looks. So many peroxide blondes, so many tiny tee-shirts, tight jeans and glitter-covered chests. I get to one face in particular and do a double take, almost dropping my drink. //No, it couldn't be.// There's a guy at the bar with the same hair as Daniel. Short, blonde, spikey, in need of a trim. Funny but the shape of his face is very similar too, those sharp cheekbones, fine lips. Christ, this guy could be Daniel's twin. The mystery doppelganger reaches out a limp wristed hand to pat someone on the shoulder. //I know those arms. Only one person has arms that skinny.// When the guy turns his head and I catch a flash of emerald, I know it, I just know it. //What the hell is Daniel doing here?//
Good question. Unfortunately no answer is forthcoming. I'm caught between dual urges of going over and talking to him, or running and hiding before he sees I'm here. I do neither. I stand and watch. In physical appearance, he's the same as he's always been. He's even wearing his usual casual style of clothing (although the shirt he dons is a little tighter.) It's the mannerisms that get me. He's behaving like Jeannie Little has jumped into his body - tossing his head, pouting his lips, raising his eyebrows - and his hands! His hands are flopping around like limp fish as he speaks. Totally camp. I know now that he hasn't been dragged here unwillingly, like me. He fits in. He looks like a regular. He's as much of a queen as the soiree of be-glittered buffs that throng around him. The realisation hits me like a cement truck. //My Daniel is gay.//
I never would have suspected. I mean, *I'm* supposed to be the camp one, the ambiguous half of the duo. And now this. I feel like I've the carpet pulled out from under me. Before I realise precisely what I'm doing, I'm heading over toward him. When I get close enough to overhear Dan and his throng of admirers I want to scream. "No, that's you darling." Dan is drawling, emphasis on the word 'darling'. //What the fuck is going on? What happened to my Dan? The one who drinks beer and whinges when I wont let him watch cricket. The one who's been my work partner for nine years who I've bared my soul to time and again, the one who knows absolutely everything about me though it seems I know next to nothing about him.// Where have I been? How did I miss this? Has he been hiding it from me? I'm not upset that Dan's is gay, I'm bloody hurt he hasn't told me. //Why does he feel like he can't share this with me, does he think I'll freak out? Does he think I'm that close-minded? I thought we were better than this... closer, more solid as friends, I can't believe- "Hi Dan." He's in front of me now. I've managed to fight my way through the sea of people to get to him. Dan looks over at me and just about spits his drink. "Darren! Hey... you're... you're back." He stammers ungracefully, trying to take it all in. I've invaded his safe little gay world, not to mention startled him. "Got in today." I say with a forced smile, suddenly rather self-conscious among Dan's camp entourage. For a moment, Dan's stuck. It's like he's gotta process this new information, this clash of two lives. Then he snaps back into my Dan, dependable, solid, best mate!Dan. He draws me into a warm hug. With his arms around me I'm starting to feel normal again. This is cool. I can deal with this. He's still the same guy. Even if that is glitter I can see on his shirt. "It's good to see you, mate." He murmurs, the words giving me a warm feeling as we disengage. "What brings you here?" "Colbs dragged me along." I point vaguely to the dancefloor where Colby is dirty dancing with her blonde. I watch Dan take it in, nod, and turn back to me. "How about you - what brings you here?" I figure I should get straight to the point. "Oh, umm..." He seems suddenly stuck. He glances around for his friends, but they've slipped aside, leaving us relatively alone. "Just... uh, got talked into coming by a friend. I've never been here before." His eyes are flicking about, not holding on anything longer than a millisecond. He always does that when he's lying. "Oh really?" I toss out casually. "Funny, you look like a regular. Fit right in actually. Want a drink?" Dan nods and we step up to the bar, Dan looking like he's about to be interrogated. He speaks up as we wait. "Never set foot in the place before. Not my scene, you know?" He puts forth, looking hopeful. He seems pretty intent on making sure I know that. The bartender chooses this moment to come over. "Usual, Dan?" He asks. Dan halts, stammers and looks about ready to crumble. "Uh, yeah." As the bartender flies off to fetch my vodka and Dan's "usual", Dan turns to me, nervy as hell. "I know him from a different bar." He offers. "Course." I toss back with a wry grin, everything about me saying //I don't believe you.// I wonder how long he's going to keep up this charade. The barman slips our drinks over. Dan picks the paper umbrella out of his and tosses it on the bar. I fight laughter. We turn to face the dance floor again when- "DANNY!!" I glance up just in time to see a screaming queen - literally a drag queen, screaming - catapulting toward us. S/he drags Daniel into an awkward hug, making kissy noises, and it takes every last vestige of self control I possess not to fall into fits of laughter. "Darling you look exquisite, just edible." She chirps, straightening her taffeta gown and tossing her wig-hair over one shoulder. S/he winks at Dan and looks over to me. "Who's you're little boyfriend?" Dan looks incapacitated by humiliation, so I speak for him. "Darren." I say, offering a hand, "I'm an old friend of Dan's." S/he offers me a be-painted hand, palm down, in a manner that suggests the correct action would be to kiss it rather than shake it. "Lydia Box. It's a pleasure." S/he state dramatically, and I decide to play along, kissing the back of her hand in a manner worthy of an olde English gentleman. "He's charming." S/he stage-whispers to Daniel conspiratorially. "Can a have a ride when you're done?" Dan's laughing, but I can tell he's wincing internally. He just about sighs with relief when Lydia sweeps up her skirt and moves on, patting him affectionately on the arse as s/he struts away. "Well *she's* an original." I comment, raising my eyebrows at Dan. He looks evasive then decides to speak up, "She's not really a-" "Dan." I interrupt. "I know. I'm not stupid you know." He's so funny. Like I wouldn't know Lydia's really a John, Rick or Bob. Dan's fidgeting. He's shifting from foot to foot and I know that look. That's the same look he adopted nine years ago in the Sony waiting room when our prospective career's were hanging in the balance. He looks at me, eyes luminous and sombre. "Dare. I gotta tell you something." He looks so serious. With my eyes affixed on him, I know what's coming. He's going to come out to me. He looks so unsure, my heart swells with compassion for him. I watch as he takes a breath, regarding me intensely, opening his mouth to speak with utter seriousness. "Dare.... I'm-" "It's ok, Dan." I interrupt before he can finish. "You don't have to say it, mate. I know." I reach out and take his hand, speaking with complete sincerity. "And it's fine. I don't have a problem with it. I hope you didn't think I would." I watch, grinning, as the tension melts from his face and he flashes the first genuine smile I've seen on him all night. "Thanks, Dare. That means a lot." I pull him into a hug, squeezing tight, glad to feel my arms around him. He hugs me back, tighter than before and I'm feeling pretty good about us. I'm glad he told me, that he felt he could tell me. "Good for you mate, good for you." I mutter softly. The moment ends and I reluctantly release him. "You didn't really think it'd freak me out, did ya?" I needle him lightly. He gives a small self-deprecating smile. "I don't know. Freaked me out." And looking at him, I can tell it did. It probably still does. God, it must've taken such guts for him to come here, on his own, that first time. Suddenly, I want nothing more than to make Dan feel like this is all completely sane and normal. I don't want him to ever feel like a freak again... but how to do it? An idea presents itself. "Wanna dance?" I ask cheekily "Oh no, I don't think so." He's trying to wheedle out of it. "I don't dance." "You liar," I rib him. "I've seen you! You know how to move, and you're going to - come on." I grab him by the arm and drag him onto the dance floor. There's an endless techno tune thumping and on the crowded floor, we have no choice but to move or be crushed. Dan's dancing style breaks down pretty simply: it consists of him bouncing somewhat reluctantly to the most prevalent bassline. For such a skilled musician, he can be damn unco-ordinated at times - but it's bloody adorable. After a bit of semi-comfortable bouncing, I decide to stir things up a bit. "So, ya got a boyfriend yet?" I shout over the music, and he shouts back. "You think I'd be here if I did?" I laugh and dance closer, flirting like we do on stage. "But have you liked any guys? I mean, specifically?" "Well, I did have a crush on you for a while." "Oh really?" I laugh. "For how long?" Someone crashes into me from behind and suddenly he's in my face, too close, much too close. I can feel him. And I like it. "About nine years." His tone is offhand, like he's joking, but his eyes... his eyes are incredible. He's nervous, hopeful, scared, excited. I can read it all because I've known him forever. I've known him forever. But I never knew this.
"Dan, I had no idea..." I don't know if he hears me over the too-loud music, but whatever expression is on my face doesn't please him. I think I'm in shock. I want to speak up, laugh it off, make a joke, show him that I'm taking it as the compliment that it is, but I feel like my throat's frozen over. I can't speak up, reassure him, get that sad, scared look off his face. I know what he's thinking, I can see it. He thinks it's rejection. He's moving away, but I still can't budge. He's leaving... vanishing into the solid crowd. Now he's fled, and I'm still here, frozen, getting bumped by strangers and cursing myself for not being able to open my stupid mouth.
I catch up with him in the stairwell, on his way outside. "Dan, wait!" I call, stumbling down the stairs without grace. He turns round, calm as anything. "Sorry I took off mate. Its too loud in there." He's not looking at me. I can tell he's upset but he doesn't want me to see it. "You just need some air." I say, voice sounding hollow to my own ears. "Yeah, that's it." He mumbles halfheartedly. "Course it is, mate." I confirm solidly. I don't want to push him into talking if he's not ready. He's been forced into revealing too much of himself tonight already. I watch him as he paces a bit, then plops his butt down on the stairwell, transfixed by his hands. For a while the only sound in the stairway is the muffled bass from within the club, perpetually thumping, until Dan speaks up. "I was gonna tell you, Dare... tomorrow actually. Had it all planned." He looks up then, eyes huge but unreadable. "'S why I'm here tonight. Working up courage." He gives me a self-deprecating grin. "Guess I don't need to now." He fidgets with the lace of his shoe. I can't fathom why he looks so depressed. Shouldn't he be feeling relieved? "I'm not very good at this." He admits. "I don't have a clue what I'm doing in there." I take this opportunity to sit next to him. "That's cool, Dan. No one expects to be born with this knowledge. You'll figure it out." I say, in my most hopeful voice. He doesn't answer, just shoots me a dis-believeing glance. "You don't believe me? Fine, I can fix this." I clamber up and yank Dan's arm til he stands too. "Go back inside." I order, pointing at the door. "Go to the bar and order a drink and I'll show you how easy this can be." I have to shove him to get him moving, but once he's in motion inertia seems to do the rest. I count to ten, grinning to myself, then follow. The music hits me as I open the door, loud, pulsing. I let it feed my resolve, feeling myself getting hyped up. Almost like the high you get before a show - enlivening, invigorating. This will be fun. I spot Dan at the bar, trying hard to blend into his surrounds, stooped slightly like he doesn't want to be seen. I strut over, sidle up beside him and lean in to whisper in his ear. "Du bist sehr schoen." He jumps a little and then notices it's me and seems to relax. Not for long. "What'd you say?" He asks. "Du bist sehr schoen. It means - you're very beautiful. But then, we haven't been introduced." I offer a hand. "I'm Darren." He eyes it like it's booby trapped. "And what is your name, you divine thing?" "Dare, this isn't-" I don't let him finish. "Yeah, that's my name. What's yours?" I ask pointedly. He shuts up for a moment then - after a deep resigned sigh - he plays along. "Daniel." He takes my outstretched hand and shakes it. "'S a pleasure." "So... Daniel... you gonna buy me a drink?" I purr laciviously, touching him lightly on the arm. He's looking at me like I've lost my mind, but one of his hands raises and gestures the bartender over. "Hey Tony - vodka." He says - total confidence. I'm impressed. I tell him as much. He sweeps an eye over me with casual grace and tells me "You ain't seen nothing yet."
He is absolutely amazing. I can't believe it's him. What happened to the sad nervous guy in the stairwell? Dan's brimming confidence now, making small talk, asking me about myself - the whole bit. At first I start off making things up, like I'm some exotic stranger, then I find that this new persona's loosened me up a bit. I feel like I can say anything, do anything. "So... a musician, hey?" I purr, "I looove musicians. Best kind of people." "Oh really? So what do you do then?" "I'm a singer." He acts surprised, quite convincingly actually. "I bet we'd sound great together." I fire the comment with innuendo, getting right in his face. If I'm startling him he's hiding it well. He actually looks... intrigued. "What do you mean, like-" he starts to sing, his voice low and husky "Ooh I want you I don't know if I need you but, ooh I'd die to find out..." "Actually I was thinking more of... oh yes... yes... right! There! Baby!" I fake orgasm loudly, forcing him back against the bar as I do. Our bodies are touching, rubbing, and although I'm just playing, just mucking about, I can't help but notice how I like to feel of us rubbing together. Hard against hard. Dan looks like he's midway between running away or giving me a good hard shake. His hands are gripping the service rails so hard his knuckles are white. I'm standing so close we're almost kissing and he's hanging on... just hanging on... "How far are we going to take this?" His voice is kind of strangled. I feel for him but I'm not ready to stop. "How far do you want to go?" My answer even surprises me. He takes a breath, wets his lips, when he speaks his voice is throaty with desire. "As far as you'll let me." I slide a hand up his neck, thumb caressing the soft hair behind his ear. My breath is coming erratically and I feel heady, with excitement... with desire. I look him dead in the eye and say, "I'll tell you when to stop." I barely have a moment to blink and he's kissing me, roughly, eagerly, like he's been dying for it forever. It's perfect. Soft lips, hard teeth, snaking tongue. His hands grip my hips, slide up my back and suddenly the bare centimetres of air we had between our bodies has vanished. I feel a drift of cool air across my lower back as he slides my shirt up to caress my spine. I know I'm grinding him backwards into the bar, but I can't help it. I didn't thing it would be like this. I didn't think I'd want it this much but I do. I don't know how this happened. I don't know where this is going to go. But there's one thing I do know. I wont be telling Dan to stop anytime soon.
TBC...
Girls And Boys-Blur (1994) Street's
like a jungle GIRLS
WHO ARE BOYS Avoiding
all work |
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