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Justification
by Adelaid Elizabeth Morgan.
September 1999
**********************
The darkness swirled around her mind like a fog, blocking everything
out; lights, sound, even remnants of rational thoughts and vivid
memories seemed to be blanketed by the descending gloom
Filtering slowly through the haze she could distinguish vague... what?
What was it. She didn't know what it was, but it sounded familiar, if
only she could realise why.
Somehow forcing herself to calm, she concentrated on the thing,
visualising it pushing it's way into her consciouness.
Bit by bit it became
clearer; music... a song. A very familiar song, the song she would play
to herself because it reflected her personal circumstances.
Realisation hit her in a rapid wave, dispelling the muggy feeling in her
brain. With a moan she knew what had happened and had a feeling
she knew where she was.
She forced herself to open her eyes, to confirm the notion.
Startling bright greeted her as she lay flat on her back in a hospital
bed, her mother to one side clutching her hand, even in her sleep.
There was an IV in her arm, that she only discovered as she attempted
to move, causing her to stifle a groan in case she disturbed her
mother's slumber.
A slight smile tugged at the corner of her lips; she really had heard her
song, her lifeline. Sitting on the cupboard next to her was a tapeplayer,
with the familiar tune playing to her, to arouse her from her
self-induced blackout.
"Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one,
They're saying "Mamma never loved her much and,
Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But, somewhere in a private place she packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come"
She became aware of being watched. She carefully moved her head
to the side, to see her Mother had awakened, and was watching her.
A sad smiled played on the older lady's lips and she said only one
word, "Why?"
She didn't really need to ask, she knew how her daughter felt, her
insecurites, her total lack of self confidence, her despair.
What she really wanted to know was why she couldn't speak to her,
why she thought that killing herself was the only way she could escape
from her own feeling of living hell.
"It's like in the song, listen to the song." the girl replied, gesturing to the
tape-recorder. "No-one wants me, everyone only pities me, talks about
me behind my back. I only wanted to be loved, but..." Her voice
cracked as she finally allowed herself the release of her frustration
through tears and heart-wrenching sobs
" I have listened love, I have. And you have to
believe that somewhere
out there is your pilot, that you will find where you belong. You just
have to have faith"
Silently, she nodded. "I know," she whispered,
greatful that her final,
desperate cry for help had not gone unnoticed.
~fin~
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