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tear
by Mako
Author's Note: Hm, it goes first.... I like it up here for one time. ^_^; I do
not own Smashing Pumpkins (but Jammmmess Iha... mmm...) and their songs. I
would be rich then. ^_^;;;;; I am not not rich!! I do not own Darren,
Daniel, or anything Savage Garden besides three CDs... ^_^; I am not making
money by this. Infact, I am loose money by not being at a job. ^_^;;;;;
Hehe. Do I get money from Savage Garden for making me loose money?
Hmmmmmm.... okay, fiction. ^_^
~mako
**********************
The lights came on fast
It was the raring red sirens of the ambulance that woke me out of my
unconsciousness. The blood was dried on my face, caked there in blotches. I
lay sprawled out at the side of the road, our car overturned next to me.
The gravel here was mud from where it had rained just an hour or so ago, and
I was a mess in it. Blood and mud and sweat and tears frolicking together
on my skin.
Someone shone a flashlight in my eyes, I gasped at the sudden shock of
it.
Lost in motorcrash
Gone in a flash unreal
The realization hit me then that the blood on me was not my own. It was
yours, Daniel. It was yours, and you were still in the car. Sandwiched in
there. I must have screamed, and I sat up calling your name. I wanted to
run to you, to save you, but the man with the flashlight held me down again.
God, I saw them cutting through the door to get to you. They knew that
you were dead, they were taking their fancy time. Dead, fucking shit! Why
did you do it? Why did I let you drive tonight? If we had only been
sitting in the opposite seats, we would have been at my house having a grand
time.
But you knew all along
You laugh the light
Because you crashed us on purpose. You crashed us to kill yourself,
and you succeeded, you bastard! Now I am alone, alone with a dead blossom.
Why couldn't the crash have taken me too? Difficult you never let anything
be set perfect.
I sing the songs
To watch you numb
It all started on this same night in the studio. You know that, but I
have to repeat the story to myself so that I can remember it forever. I
need that torment in my soul to fill up the emptiness you left me with. We
had been recording for our third album, me casually flirting to you through
the glass booth as I sang. Do you remember that we always did have that
friendly chemistry?
You did not seem to be in any sort of mood tonight. All the expression
that I could usually read on your face was void. I should have realized
something was very wrong when you called the session to a close early. It
was never your way to let work go unfinished. Usually, you executed your
plans.
Walking out of the studio in a hurry to be away from it, you left me
there. Of course, I followed after you, because you were my ride home.
I saw you there
You were on your way
You held the rain
It was raining drastically outside. Pounding bullets, practically. But
you stood there in the parking lot, your hands raised to the sky and your
clothes getting soaked. It seemed like your soul was the rain, and I did
not know why. Lovingly, I looked at you there, for the first time like
that.
Everything about you seemed so perfect.
And for the first time heaven seemed insane
Cause heaven is to blame
For taking you away
The man with the flashlight finally let me sit up. Nothing was broken,
but I was bruised, he said. Did he know the extent of my bruising? And how
dare he say I was not broken? I was shattered into a million pieces and
deranged in re-arrangement. My heart was ripped out and laying with you,
Daniel.
Do you know the way that I can?
Do you know the way that I can't lose?
Do you know the things that I can?
Do you know the things that I can't do?
I still don't understand why you did it. Why did you turn the wheel
like that, why did you graze the tree to flip us over? Everything would
have, could have been worked out. It was not a sick thing, you were not a
disgusting person in my eyes. You were a god, a spirit of essence.
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart gone to?
Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
It all seemed so perfect for that short time. Like an equilibrium. I
know that every perfect thing must be made tainted in the end, but it was
too soon. Far, far too soon to end something so new to me. You had me
forever with you, Daniel. But somewhere along the lines of our career as
pop-stars, you had learned to trust nothing. Not even me, who pleaded with
you.
You laugh the light
I cry the wound
In gray afternoons
In that last moment in the car, I heard you laugh unstably. And I cried
at the same exact moment, out of horror and out of the realization that you
were killing yourself to get rid of the problems. Which left me alone in
the end with the burden of two piled together. It was an act of cowardice
on your part, but you never did like to face hectic situations head on.
That was always my job. I too had failed.
I saw you there
You were on your way
You kissed me cold
When I had watched you in the rain, I thought you could not see me,
because I was a master of disguise. It seemed that you were one too. You
turned to face me, your arms dropping to your sides and your eyes opening.
That sandy blond hair of yours was a muddy brown and sticking to your
forehead.
I was the one who walked over to you, but your were the one to grab me
close and kiss me. Everything about you was freezing, and I shivered. You
know that I kissed you back furiously, though. We stood there, interlocked
as one, and my legs nearly gave out from it. I loved it, and I realized
then that I had been in love with you for a long, long time.
You pulled me away roughly, backing away a couple steps.
"Shit..." you shook your head. "... that wasn't supposed to... shit
shit...!" Your beautiful serenity washed away in the pelting rain, and your
long fingers covered your eyes from me. It was pure sadness for you, and I
tried to grab you close to me to reassure you.
"Let's go back to my place and dry up, Daniel..." I said lightly, giving
you a kiss on the cheek and hoping that you were okay. As you took your
keys out of your pocket and opened up the car, I walked to the passenger
side. Something new and exciting was going to be born on this night, I was
sure. A new love. At that moment, I could see us living together forever.
And for the first time heaven seemed insane
For taking you taking you away
Cause heaven is to blame
For taking you away
Somehow the man with the flashlight and a few others had moved me into
the ambulance. You were still in the car, and I cried for you again. It
couldn't be true, it couldn't be true, it could not be true. Fuck, it was
true.... I saw them extracting you as we pulled away. I was sobbing on
someone's shoulder.
"He killed himself...!!"
"It'll be okay, sir..."
I just cried harder.
The lights came to pass
Dead opera motorcrash
Gone in a flash unreal
In nitrous overcast
The ambulance started off, leaving you there with two other figures.
My hysteria must have been horrible, but I don't remember it. They drugged
me to keep me from clawing at the door to get to you. I think that they
thought I was going to be violent. Maybe I was, Daniel. I would never see
the pretty green eyes staring down at me again. Eyes are always closed at
funerals.
Do you know the way that I can?
Do you know the way that I can't choose?
Do you know the things that I can?
Do you know the things that I can't lose?
Is it something I did earlier? There has to be some logical explanation
for why you would take your life instead of be happy with me. You wanted to
be with me, Daniel, I could feel it inside you. The passion as our lips met
for the first and last time. Yours were chapped, bruising into my soft
ones. If I think about it, I can still taste them the salt in them.
Why...?
You could have owned me. You did own me. You always will own me.
Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where has your heart run to?
end.
10.23.99
other fics to be read
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