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Losing Sleep
by Amanda Moon and Heidi
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Darren's eyelids flickered. He had just been on the edge of falling in sleep, when he heard a weird noise. He opened his eyes and at that very second he realized he was staring into a pair of deep blue eyes.
"God!!"
"Not God, only me", said Brian, who had sneaked into Darren's room and was sitting on bed by his side.
"Disappointed?"
A wide smile lightened Darren's sleepy face.
"I wouldn't change this moment even if I'd have God, Jesus and the 12 disciples instead. But tell me, what are you doing here? It's almost midnight."
"I came to beg for a good-night kiss." Brian said, a wicked grin on his face.
From afar, Darren was able to smell the alcohol in Brian's breath, and it was all he needed to feel extremely horny. He pushed the cover on the side and felt how hungry Brian's gaze was as it ran over his bare chest.
"Come and get your kiss, then", Darren almost whispered.
Brian lurched forward and kissed Darren sloppily on the mouth. Then he reeled back, laughing silently.
"What's so funny? You're hammered, aren't you," Darren stated.
"Probably. But you're funny. I show up in your bed at midnight, and you're like, 'oh... ok Brian.' You're so *easy*..." Brian smiled like a maniac, and giggled like a little girl.
"Would you rather I played hard to get? Shall I throw you out?" he looked up at the tipsy queen who now straddled his thighs. "I could, you know, I could just get up and... ah..."
Darren trailed off as Brian leaned and kissed his neck - tiny kisses that resonated somewhere in Darren's lower spine.
"Don't you *like* me, Darren?" he whispered.
He touched Darren's face, and then kissed down to his chest with excruciating slowness, until his mouth found Darren's nipple.
"No," Darren sighed, "I'm going to be difficult and say no."
"Ha. Do you want to bet?" said Brian, tuning his voice to a hypnotic frequency and moving his hand to caress Darren's thigh. But Darren was still playing his game.
"Sure."
"Alright."
Defiantly, Brian slipped his hand between Darren's legs.
"Put your money where your mouth is."
Darren gasped inaudibly. Then meeting Brian's eyes, he sighed:
"Put your mouth where your hand is..."
"Ahh, I guess you lost the bet, Mr. Hayes!!" Brian laughed, his hand still stroking Darren's groin, pressing against the hardness harder and harder with every stroke. Darren shivered, his eyes were closed.
"Mmmm," was all he was managed to say.
Brian moved his lips to Darren's ear, nibbled the earlobe.
"Yes, you lost it big time, my darling. And in the end, what the loser is left with??" he whispered, his voice still keeping its bewitching tone, which made Darren fall deeper and deeper into the enchantment,
'he's so good at this,' Darren thought, his limbs were feeling heavy, his head was spinning, all the energy he had was concentrating in one thing, feeling Brian.
"I don't care..." he said aloud.
Brian laughed softly and pulled Darren’s boxers down, took a hold of Darren’s hard cock and squeezed it not so gently.
“Ohhh…” was all Darren managed to say, his eyes were already closed, his lips half open
“you have no idea of how good you make me feel…”
“I’m good at guessing.” Brian giggled, pulling the skin of Darren’s cock back and touching the bare tip with his thumb, making Darren wriggle on the bed. Of course, it was better than good. It was essential. Brian needed this like nothing else.
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The room was dark and deathly silent, aside from the shifting of bed sheets and occasional moan. It was nights like this that made Brian feel so tiny, like he could get lost in the mere absence of light if he was alone. He needed distractions, so he'd been to a club, but soon became dissatisfied with the music they were playing. After throwing a small hissy-fit (just enough to make that mascara run), he'd stormed out, sober enough to contemplate his situation, but drunk enough to find a solution in showing up Romeo-style at Darren's place.
Brian was spiritually numb from his decadent lifestyle of insert-vice-here-no-sexual-pun-intended, but there was something about Darren that made him remember a long-forgotten emotion he refused to name.
It was all-encompassing, it consumed you, transported you in a way drugs never could. It made your breath catch in your throat and your eyes sting at twelve o'clock at night as you found yourself escaping into the bed of a beautiful boy.
Brian let a small sound escape his throat as he continued to touch Darren, and realised oddly how similar their voices were. //Funny,// he thought, //takes a situation like this for me to notice.//
He opened his mouth to say something (or lick something), but suddenly he heard what sounded like a air raid alarm - a loud, piercing noise that clanged in his ears and startled him out of thought.
The telephone was ringing.
"Fuck!"
"Don't bother answering it."
"Who calls at midnight unless it's important?"
"I'm important. Priorities, Darren." He kissed Darren's hand to punctuate the sentence.
"...Okay." Brian lowered his mouth to Darren's cock and Darren arched back with a sigh.
The answering machine picked up the phone call.
"Dazzzz? Oh, you're probably sleeeeping...okay," the voice reduced itself to a slow whisper. "I'm okaaay, really. Okayyy? *sniff* Uh... maybe you should get down here." *Click*
Darren sat bolt upright. It was Daniel's voice.
"Hell!" Darren almost yelled, not knowing if he should have been angry or worried. "This better be good!"
"Relax dude," Brian said, his face pressed against Darren's belly, "You go down and see what's the matter with him. then come up and I'll wait you here, on the bed, do we have a deal?" he licked the smooth skin under his lips. Darren gasped.
"Promise?"
"I promise. Hey, I'm not going anywhere! I can hardly walk!!"
"You really should cut down with those drugs, you might take something nasty by accident."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop lecturing me and go check Daniel. The sooner you go, the sooner you'll get back."
Darren stood up and tried to find some clothes, but he only managed to find a pair of jeans. He pulled them on and zipped them, peering at Brian from under his brows.
"Stay here, okay? This won't take long."
"Just go!" Brian laughed.
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He still had Darren's taste in his mouth and he started to feel more and more exited second by second, almost horny. He laid down on the bed, gently brushing the masses of his black hair away from his face and looked at Darren, who stormed out without even putting his shoes on.
Brian closed his eyes, he felt the darkness fall around him, the room was spinning, everything around him was shrinking fast, almost as the whole universe was just about to fall on him. his hands gripped at the bed sheets, cold sweat ran all over his body and behind his closed eyelids he saw the darkness turn into a flashes of light, into a shapes of monsters, lightnings, everything was moving fast, pulling him in- Brian opened his eyes, gasping for air. He rubbed his eyes. Shit how lonely he was feeling.
"Bad trip," he said aloud, almost scared by the sound of his voice, so child-like, freaked. "this is just a... a bad... trip, yeah. Maybe it's... better cut down this crap, just like Dar...ren said. he's so wise."
He sat up, blinking his eyes, still semi-unconscious by the nightmare. Or was it a nightmare? Was he asleep or awake? And were was Darren? Brian was just about to go and see, when the door opened and Darren stepped in, alone. Brian smiled and Darren, impatiently unzipping his jeans, rolled his eyes.
“uhh, was he ‘kay?”
“Yea, he was good, some problems with his girl.”
“Still into girls? How boring,” Brian said and yawned theatrically. Darren grinned.
“Well I ordered him a cab. He’ll get home alive, but he won’t be happy tomorrow. He was so drunk that you look sober as a Pope.”
Brian giggled. Darren threw the jeans away and fell on the bed, Brian instantly rolling on him and kissing him hungrily.
“I missed you,” Brian said into the kiss, his hands wandering up and down Darren’s upper body, making short dives down. “I was so alone I was sure I was going to die…”
“I was only away for fifteen minutes, you wacko!” Darren laughed, then he moaned softly. “that feels so fucking good…”
"You don't even know what you do to me..." Brian trailed off, almost a whimper. "You don't know what it's like ..."
"I want to know. Tell me what it's like," Darren whispered, "tell me what it's like."
He traced a finger down Brian's spine, and kissed his ear. Brian twisted in Darren's arms, rolling onto his side. //What the -- // He felt something poke him in the ribs.
"Ow," he said, finding his voice hoarse. "Lipstick."
"It's like lipstick?" exclaimed Darren.
"No, this is like lipstick," said Brian, holding up the thing that poked him.
"You must have left it here last time."
Brian smiled. "And it's in your bed because...?"
"I was going to give it back to you. I put it where I figured you were most likely to show up."
Now Brian giggled.
"Turn over."
Darren turned over so he was lying on his stomach, erection pressing into the mattress, and Brian propped himself up on one elbow, brandishing the cherry-red lipstick in his other hand.
"What are you doing, exactly?" Darren asked innocently.
"I'm going to write something? what did you think I was gonna do?"
"Oh... nothing. What are you writing?"
Brian touched the tip of the lipstick to Darren's skin, and drew slow lines to form letters.
"You asked what it feels like."
"That's going to come off on the sheets, you know."
"Well, you'll just have to stay like this for a bit, then."
Brian finished writing, and then dragged the lipstick over his lips before climbing on top of Darren. He kissed Darren's neck passionately, and left a trail over his shoulder the colour of blood. Darren was becoming desperate, reaching to the drawer beside the bed for lube and handing it to Brian.
"Come onnnn..." he moaned.
"Impatient, aren't we?" teased Brian, applying the cold lubricant with a finger and making Darren shiver pleasantly and exhale.
He shifted the taller man onto his side enough to reach around and touch his cock, but careful not to smudge the lipstick.
"This is harder than I thought it would be," said Brian. "I mean -- not your -- I mean the position!"
Darren grinned, and as the smile spread over his face, a sudden feeling of elation overcame him. //Like flying. But warmer. Like shining.//
Brian entered him with a low moan, slowly filling his very soul with an incredible heat. He felt humongous, expanding and sending pulses up and down Darren's whole body. //But he's so small in my arms,// he thought.
Brian's sighs were becoming less delicate, his voice now nearing a howl, some kind of furious, needful song, as he pulled out and slammed back into Darren, stroking his cock rapidly. //Like drowning. Like panic. Like the end of the fucking world.//
When Darren came, he was afraid he'd never stop. Brian slipped over the edge like he was slipping into a coma, his orgasm knocking him out, and he fell silently to the side. //When you come you never make a single sound.//
Darren sat up, exhausted, and looked at Brian, asleep in a tangle of sheets. Darren stood, marvelling at the analogy that popped into his head of Brian resembling a baby bird fallen from a tree. //Oh, the sweetest thing...//
Quietly, Darren walked to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face, thoughts slowing to a halt. //Like going full circle.// Then Darren noticed the lipstick mark on his shoulder and twisted his body around to see what Brian had written on his back. He looked at his reflection, with the backwards (slightly smeared) letters scrawled onto skin. //I see it now,// he thought.
It said, *The meaning of life*.
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Darren sat on the closed toilet seat, pressed his face to his hands, staying in that position for what seemed like eternity. The words written on his back were the same that were filling his head. [meaning of life … meaning of life]
“what the fuck is happening to me?” Darren said aloud, not getting the answer from the bathroom walls.
The whole apartment was quiet, like a grave. And almost as dark as one too. Darren rose to his feet, his body still lacking most of its energy, making love with Brian always drained his strength away. His legs were shaking a bit as he entered the bedroom and sat on the bed again, watching Brian’s sleeping form. [am I or aren’t I? Anything? Nothing? Mad? Lost it all? Or just got it? Everything? Am I … in … love?] Darren’s eyes flew wide open, but still he couldn’t turn his eyes away from Brian. He staggered up, walked backwards, almost toppling over a chair, all the time keeping his eyes on Brian. No, he didn’t wake up, not after alcohol, drugs and whatever he had intoxicated himself with, he would sleep, all night now. And Darren really needed to get out of the room, the air was filled with scent of musk, the almost bittersweet smell of weed, alcohol and sweat. He quickly pulled his clothes on, grabbed the car keys and almost ran out, leaving the apartment behind. [Lust, lust, it was supposed to be only lust. Nothing more … and now, I don’t think I can’t do it with just the lust …]
Without thinking, or looking around, he took his car and drove off. Night was dark, the touch of approaching autumn was filling the air. Finally he stopped the car, and it took him only one second to realize where he was.
Outside Daniel’s house.
[what am I doing here?] he asked himself, not getting an answer. He heard someone knock the glass of the car door. He turned his head and saw a young woman, most likely a prostitute,
“looking for a company, handsome??” she asked, and all Darren was able to do was to stare at her lips, the same shade of cherry-red as Brian’s lipstick. Without realizing, he answered
“No, I’m looking for love.”
“Well, I’ve got anything you want right here, handsome!” woman giggled, patting her buttocks, covered by red mini-skirt.
Darren turned his eyes to Daniel’s house, it was dark. Daniel was probably sleeping off his hectic state of drunkenness. [you can’t go to him now. Remember Brian. Bbbrrrrrrriiiaaaaaannnn … Bbbbrrrriiiaaaaaaannnnnn…]
Darren almost screamed, he threw his head against the headrest so hardly it almost hurt, at the same time turning the key. He hit the accelerator and drove away as quickly as he was able to.
//Drive. Drive until you fucking hit the wall.// Darren shook his head.
"This is not the time to be having dangerous conversations with my own brain," he said out loud.
//It's a metaphor, stupid.//
"Well I'm sorry, then." He decided he might as well humour his conscience as it tried to explain. He was ~ t h i n k i n g.~ V e r y.~ S l o w l y.~
But -drivingveryfast-.
//Go on, keep avoiding it. Escape, until you can escape no more. Darren Hayes, you are staring down the barrel of one big-ass four-letter word.//
Whoops, he ran a stop sign.
//Don't you try and tell me about love. Don't you try and tell me there are *two loves*: that true one you sing so boldly of, and this one whose name is Shame. Bullshit. This one's name is Brian. Deal with it, you literary nitwit.//
Ooh, that better not be a speed trap.
//Go home.// And singing sweetly from the CD in the stereo he knew he hadn't turned on, Brian's voice. *Come ho-ome.*
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Well, he did. He drove home and paced back and forth downstairs for fifteen minutes, squeaking the floorboards, under the impression that Brian was still out cold upstairs. On returning to the bedroom, he found Brian was really rather warm, and ‘out cold' sounded a little morbid. Darren sat at the edge of the bed, and Brian lay facing away, his raven-coloured hair tousled, the bedsheet complementing his smooth form like a toga on a Roman marble statue.
"Where did you go?" Darren was startled when Brian spoke.
"What?"
"I said, Where did you go?" Brian sounded far away, and remarkably like a girl.
"I, uh, went for a drive." Darren paused and cleared his throat. "I thought you were going to sleep through."
"Mm," muttered Brian in comprehension. "Could you see the stars out?"
"Huh? Uh, no, I wasn't looking. I was thinking."
"Oh." Brian blinked pretty blue eyelids, but remained facing away. "Me too."
A great stretch of silence crept up on them, and rested between their bodies and minds, impairing speech for quite some time. Brian's face was illuminated by a patch of moonlight diffused through the window. He was sleepy enough that the buzz in his ears had lulled, but now his eyes were fogging over. Hell, Brian could even *cry* beautifully.
"Say it."
"What?"
"Say it, one of us has to."
Darren's hand caressed Brian's arm, and he slid into bed next to him. Softly, he kissed the back of his neck, as a silvery tear spilled onto Brian's face, and as if by telepathy, they both whispered,
"I love you."
"you mean that?" Brian asked, his voice almost breaking by the emotions.
Darren smiled, and gently licked the tear away.
"I mean that, Brian" he whispered, moving his lips from Brian's cheek to his lips for a deep kiss.
He felt a moan escape Brian's lips as they both dived into the kiss that seemed like a never ending. Finally they broke off, Brian's eyes now clouded by passion, not by tears. Darren felt Brian's hands, moving up his sides, to his pectorals, squeezing his nipples through the cloth.
"Take this off," Brian pleaded, his voice harsh, "I want you naked."
He was answered by 'mmmmm' and few ragged gasps as Darren tried to keep a hold of what was left of his self-control. Darren felt Brian's left hand slide down to his groin, and stroke him so determinedly there was no need to guess what Brian so badly wanted.
"And these too. I need you naked, press your skin against mine, touch me with every inch of your body..."
Darren moaned as an answer, the spell of Brian's slow, seducing voice taking him over again.
"...and never leave me alone."
"oh, *God*..." Darren moaned, pressing his groin against Brian's hand and finally losing every drop of his self-control.
"I don't wanna be left alone," Brian whispered, but Darren didn't hear anymore.
He was so lost in the feelings of Brian's closeness, his love, the touch of his fingers, the smell of his breath, the words he was saying - all tangled together, and the creation of them together - there was no words to describe it...
"Fucking lost here..." Darren mumbled, shivering as Brian almost tore his clothes off, murmuring something, like a mantra - Darren wasn't sure what he was saying.
Soon they were not talking anymore. Now naked, Darren pressed Brian against the mattress, ran his hands all over Brian's small form, heated skin, felt his chest rise and fall and his whole body was shaking in the rhythm of his breathing.
"Keep breathing," Darren managed to say, then he pressed his lips to Brian's left nipple and bit so hard Brian whimpered and almost cried out.
"Hurt me..." Brian begged, and pulled Darren on top of him "hurt me badly..."
Darren's right hand wandered down and his left grabbed Brian's hair, pulled his head back while he moved his lips from Brian's nipple to his neck and sucked the skin like a baby. Brian's whole body jerked, as Darren suddenly took his cock in a tight grip, forcing the skin back few times, before releasing his hold on both ends. Brian breathed fast, his lips were parted as he turned his eyes to Darren, who was now sitting next to him.
"Don't stop."
"I didn't stop." Darren said and turned Brian over so he was on his stomach.
Brian separated his legs, knowing what was coming next. He closed his eyes and shivered at the thought of having Darren inside of him. He heard Darren go through things on the bedside table, finally finding what he was looking for - the lube - and lubing the area between Brian's buttocks, thrusting one finger in and out very gently, but Brian did hear the fast pace of his breathing, and the way his hands were shaking a bit, few drops of sweat landing on Brian's lower back. Brian turned his head, just in time to see Darren lube his erect cock. Brian turned his face back against the pillow and spread his legs even more as Darren mounted him. Darren entered him just a little bit at first, and Brian bit the pillow as the wave of pain rolled over him.
"Relax your muscles," Darren panted, thrusting in a bit more "Or do you want it to hurt?"
"I want it all..."
“You can have it all,” Darren groaned and rammed inside Brian, who cried aloud, tears once again rising to his eyes.
But this was the kind of pain he wanted, physical, not emotional, rolling over the pain deep inside, drowning it, turning the shades into pure, clean colors, shadows into light. Darren was biting Brian’s neck, moaning so load it was almost screaming, his hands finding Brian’s cock, jerking it and fastly bringing Brian to the precious peak of lust, oblivion and absolution. His back was arching as he came, the pillow suppressing his moans, his cum erupting to Darren’s hands and the mattress. Brian’s climax was all Darren needed, he made one more deep thrust and then he came, fulfilled Brian and fell on top of him. They were both breathing fast, floating on a cloud of satisfaction. Darren rolled off Brian and kissed his cheek.
“My angel,” he said quietly but Brian was already in a deep sleep.
The dark was warm now, and held no danger in its presence. Darren stretched out and fell back onto the bed close to his angel. //It is a delicate balance,// he thought, //the tightrope he walks. It is the line between purity and isolation. The boundary that separates his body from his mind. When pain is so deeply ingrained in his being, it is necessary, and unavoidable. He needs his suffering as a contrast, in order to appreciate love.//
Darren lay propped up on one elbow, studying the beauty and perfection of Brian's bone structure. //It's like he was built to be damaged. He comes here and asks me to wreck him, asks me to tear down the protective barricade he's constructed around himself. Drugs can't get through it, booze can't get through it - maybe Daniel needs a little more of a barricade,// thought Darren, smiling briefly to himself. //Brian's got to be broken. That's the only way I can get to his heart.//
Brian sighed in his sleep, as if acknowledging Darren's pondering, and shifted position and Darren carefully entwined himself with Brian, so they cuddled somehow cat-like. //See how we fit together? See how you aren't really alone? I am the only one you let near yourself, near enough to break in.// Darren felt himself beginning to drift off.
//And once I've torn down that wall, I can sleep inside.//
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~ Finis ~
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